How to win friends & influence people

This is Dale Carnegie’s summary of his book, from 1936

Table of Contents

1. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
2. Six Ways to Make People Like You
3. How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
4. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Part One

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part Two

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Part Three

Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Part Four

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Taken from http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html

The Magic of Thinking Big Overview

1. Believe You can Succeed and You Will

Success means many wonderful, positive things.

Believe, really believe you can move a mountain and you can. Not many people believe that they can move mountains. So, as a result, not many people do. You can’t wish away a mountain… But you can move a mountain with belief. You can win success by believing you can succeed.

Belief, strong belief, triggers the mind to figuring ways and means and how-to. Believe, really believe, you can succeed and you will.

Think doubt and fail. Think victory and succeed.

A person is a product of his own thoughts. Believe big and grow big.

Your mind is a “thought factory”. It’s a busy factory, producing countless thoughts in one day. => under the charge of two foremen, – Mr. Triumph and other Mr Defeat. Both of them are intensely obedient.

How to develop the power of belief

1. Think success, don’t think failure. “I’ll win” not “I’;; probably lose” – “I’m equal to the best” not “I’m out-classed”

2. Remind yourself regularly that you are better than you think you are. Successful people are not supermen; they are just ordinary folks who have developed belief in them-selves and what they do. Never – yes, never-sell yourself short.

3. Believe big. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Big ideas and big plans are often easier – certainly no more difficult, than small ideas and small plans.

2. Cure yourself of Excusitis, The Failure Disease

Unsuccessful people suffer a mind-deadening thought disease – EXCUSITIS. Every failure has this disease in its advanced form. And most “average” persons have at least a mild case of it.

=> Health, Intelligence, Age (too old or too young), luck

3. Build Confidence and Destroy Fear

It’s only your imagination, Don’t worry. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Fear is real. And we must recognize it exists before we can conquer it. Most fear today is psychological. Worry, tension, embarrassment, panic all stem from mismanaged, negative imagination. But simply knowing the breading ground of fear doesn’t cure fear.

Action cure fear. Indecision, postponement, on the other hand, fertilize fear.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Overview

Private victory:

Habit 1: Be Proactive

Principles of Personal Vision

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind

Principles of personal Leadership

Habit 3: Put First Things First

Principles of Personal Mangement

Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about.

A mission statement is not sth you write overnight. It takes deep introspection, careful analysis, thoughtful expression and often many rewrites to produce it in final form.

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

“Start with the end in mind. ”

Writing your mission in terms of the important roles in your life gives you balance and harmony.
It keeps each role clearly before you. You can review your roles frequently to make sure that you don’t
get totally absorbed by one role to the exclusion of others that are equally or even more important in
your life. p.137

An effective goal focuses primarily on results rather than activity.

Public Victory

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

Priciples of Interpersonal Leadership

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to Be Understood

Principles of Empathetic Communication

Habit 6: Synergize

Principles of Creative Cooperation

Revewal

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal

Good Reads

These are great articles from various sources and writers which are worth a least a second read and thought. I keep them all here for future reference. This will be updated constantly, so bookmark it if necessary.

(English)

Lessons & Tips:

Fish don’t know they’re in water – Derek Sivers

We’re so surrounded by people who think like us, that it’s impossible to see that what we think are universal truths are just our local culture. We can’t see it until we get outside of it.”

Valuable to others, or only you? – Derek Sivers

When I’m hot, it’s hard for me to imagine that others in the room are cold. I think it really is hot, not that it’s hot only for me. It feels like fact, not opinion.”

Never Hurt to Ask – Darren Hardy

Ask, and Ye Shall Receive. Ye Have Not, Because Ye Ask Not

=> Before you ask: What have you tried?

Young people are screwed… Here’s how to survive  – Bryan Goldberg

Lesson No. 1: Learn to make something

Lesson No. 2: No, education is not the answer.

Lesson No. 3: Your parents and grandparents don’t understand your world. You should probably ignore them.

Lesson No. 4: Don’t worry about your network. Worry about your friends. [If you have successful friends, you will be successful.]

10 Smart Things I’ve Learned from People Who Never Went to College

10 Reasons You Should Never Get a Job – Steve Pavlina

10 Reasons You Should Never Have a Religion – Steve Pavlina

Ten Ways To Ensure You’re Driving Your Bus Instead of Just Being a Passenger

There’s No Such Thing as the Worthy Poor – Scott Dannemiller

Tim Ferriss Interview – Derek Sivers

Fuck, I Need Some New Swear Words – davidbanks

Disconnecting Distractions – Paul Graham

The Imperfectionist – Sarah

Smarter Than Your Parents – Steve Pavlina

Journal/Blogging:

You Should Write Blogs – Steve Yegge

Why You Should Write Things Down – Henrik Edberg

Presentation

Presentation Zen

Skills:

3 Entrepreneurial Skills You Won’t Learn In Business School: How to code, sell & hire

Why are you in such a rush? Dan Shipper – slow is smooth and smooth is fast

Sucking Less Every Year

10 Skills You Need to Succeed at Almost Anything

Design:

Content Without Design is Dumb – Pat

User Experience

Please make your article title as a link – it helps me & others to share it easier. Steve Pavlina and many others do this!

“Fuck You.” – Brad Frost

Next time you find yourself intentionally depriving someone an experience—to acquire knowledge, to complete a task, to do something online that can make their life even just a little better—picture yourself standing in front of that person in real life, looking them square in the eyes, then firmly and definitively saying “Fuck you.”

Habits

Busting the 21 days habit formation myth
How Long to Form a Habit?
Habit Formation: The 21-Day Myth
>> It takes more or less 66 days to form a new habits

Simply Successful Secrets Roundup!

5 things to do everyday to be successful

Goals

Are Your Goals Holding You Back? – Dan Shipper

Money

The Power of Association – Robert Kiyosaki => I like the term “motivation killers” 😀

Passion:

Don’t Do It For The Money – do it because you love it. Do it because….

Do You Know?

Why Ideas Pop Into Your Head When You’re Trying to Fall Asleep – No distractions

Health

How to Need Less Sleep by Getting Better Sleep Every Night  – Better Sleep is More Important than More Sleep

Career

Job Titles in the Web Industry – CSS-trick.com

Are we designers or developers?

Go the F**k Home – an interesting post & speech!

If you can’t name two things you’re regularly doing outside of work, you’re spending too much time there.

Programming Is Like Dancing – Dan Shipper : The product isn’t eternal but the moment is. The feeling isn’t lasting but it’s worth chasing.

Why I Left Google

Entrepreneurship

10 Tips for Moving From Programmer to Entrepreneur  – Ian Landsman: Design!! vs Coding

Hackers

How to become a hacker?

Hackers vs. Coders – this not a real ‘hackers’ btw

They’ll be focused on solving user problems, rather than solving implementation problems. They spend more time hacking it and less time coding.

Are You An Expert?

How To Be A Great Developer – Ed Finkler – Poor communication

Learn to Code >> 4 non-coders

The Origins of the <Blink> Tag  – Getta know this when doing my current homepage

Bai tieng Viet:

Thời vắng những nhà văn hoá lớn? – Trần Hữu Dũng

Tuổi 16, ta đã làm được gì? – Dongsongxanh

Bài học kinh nghiệm về hợp pháp hóa mại dâm

Justin Khương: Phong ba bão táp không bằng Start-Up Việt Nam

Không thích đọc tình yêu lm buồn, oán trách kiểu này lắm nhưng hay:

Đàn ông ví mỏng – Trang Ha

“đàn ông kiếm tiền là năng lực và tiêu tiền là văn hóa”

Vì bạn không đủ tư cách để yêu (2) – Trang Ha

“Bởi vì nếu thật sự yêu, người con gái sẽ tự nguyện chờ đợi, vượt qua được những khoảng cách và không gian, mà không cần một lời hứa hẹn ràng buộc nào cả. Tôi tin thế.”

Lý do tui ghét chữ phượt

Never Eat Alone

I. Becoming a Member of the Club

Before my eyes, I saw proof that uccess breeds success and, indeed, the rich do get richer. Their web of friends and associates was the most potent club the people I caddied for had in their bags. Poverty, I realized, wasn’t only a lack of financial resources, it was isolation from the kind of people that could help you make more of yourself.

I came to believe that in some very specific ways life, like golf, is a game, and that the people who know the rules, and know them
well, play it best and succeed. And the rule in life that has unprecedented power is that the individual who knows the right people, for the right reasons, and utilizes the power of these relationships, can become a member of the “club,” whether he started out as a
caddie or not.
To achieve your goals in life, I realized, it matters less how smart you
are, how much innate talent you’re born with, or even, most eye-
opening to me, where you came from and how much you started
out with. Sure all these are important, but they mean little if you
don’t understand one thing: You can’t get there alone. In fact, you can’t get very far at all.

He was living proof that success
in golf, and in life, had nothing to do with class. It was about
access (yes, and talent, at least in his case).
Arnie was inspirational proof that your past need not be prologue to your future.

Profound lesson about the power of generosity! When you help others, they often help you.

Success in
any field, but especially in business, is about working with people,
not against them.

p.5

Becoming a Member of the Club Dont Keep Score

It’s better to give before you recieve. And never keep score. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewardds will follow suit.

What’s Your Mission?

Build It Before You Need It

The most important thing is to get to know these people as friends, not potential customers. p,43

Too often, we get cuahgt up efficiently doing ineffective things, focusing solely on the work that will get us through the day. The idea isn’t to find oneself another environment tmr – be it a new job or a new economy – but to be constantly creating the environment and community you want for yourself, no matter what may occur. p.44

You can only truly gain someones’s trust and commitment little by little over time. p.45

::how to create the kind of community that can help further your carreer: p.45

–

The Genius of Audacity

Every time I start to set limits to what I can and can’t do, or fear starts to creep into my thinking, I remeber that Big Wheel tri-cycle. I remind myself how people with low tolerance for rish, whose behavior is guided by fear, have a low propensity for success. p50

It never hurts to ask.

The worst anyone can say is no. If they choose not to give their time or their help, it’s their loss. p.50  – Good Philosophy

Few things you can do today to make good on that commitment and get more comfortable at being audacious in social situations:

• Find a role model.
• Learn to speak.
• Get involved.
• Get threapy.
• Just do it. => You’ll get comfortable with the idea of rejection. With that perspective, even failure becomes a step forward.

I came to believe that in some very specific ways life, like golf,
is a game, and that the people who know the rules, and know them
well, play it best and succeed. And the rule in life that has unprece-
dented power is that the individual who knows the right people,
for the right reasons, and utilizes the power of these relationships,
can become a member of the “club,” whether he started out as a
caddie or not.
This realization came with some empowering implications. To
achieve your goals in life, I realized, it matters less how smart you
are, how much innate talent you’re born with, or even, most eye-
opening to me, where you came from and how much you started
out with. Sure all these are important, but they mean little if you
don’t understand one thing: You can’t get there alone. In fact, you
can’t get very far at all.

Get Anyone To Do Anything Overview

Although its title and subtitle sound a bit trite and hollow , this book is not a crap at all. In fact, it does offer many “specific psychological tactics governing human behavior” as well as some good relationship advices. Using simple language and going sharply into details of each main point with a sumary after each chapter, Lieberman makes it look like an “action book” whereby I really enjoy reading the first few chapters. A good read! decent add-on to “How to win friends and influence people” classic. – Rexy

My Notes:

Get anyoone to like you … every time

1. Law of association

unconscious victims of circumstance
you were planning your vacation you would associate those favorable feelings with whoever was around you at the time, and you would subsequently like the person more.

– try talking to him when she’s in GOOD MOOD or EXCITED about sth (direct eye contact/full smile, eyes wide open)

2. Repeat Exposure

familiarity breeds contempts NOT TRUE

the MORE you interact with someone, the MORE he/she will like you!
(as long as the initial reaction is not negative)

the greater the exposure, the more positive the response

3. Reciprocal Affection.

We tend to like more those who like us.

You wanna let your ‘target person’ know that you like and respect him, if inddeed you do.

4. Similarities

Like attract likes.
When you speak to this person , talk about what you both enjoy and what you have in common
“Comrades in arms”

5. How you make her Feel

how nice it is to be around s/o who is complimentary and sincerely kind and warm?

being the person who makes ppl feel good will go a long way toward their finding you quite likable.

5. Rapport

Appears as we do – in sync
+ matching posture and movements
+ matching his rate of speech:

6. Helping her out.

If you can get her to DO YOU a small favor, this will generate kind and warm feelings toward you.

Often, in our attempt to get so to like us, we make the mistake of doing nice things for him. And while he may appreciate your kindness and think you’re a nice person, it doesn’t make him like you more, even though you may be viewed as more likable.

8. He’s only human

Seeing someone you admire do sth stupid or clumsy will make you like him more.

When you wanna be seen as more likable, do sth embarrasing and smile at yourself. Don’t try to ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen.

– Nobody likes a show-off

We do like confident people.
A person who is confident doesn’t feel the need to let the world know how great he is; he lets the world find out for itself.

Not taking yourselves so seriously and acknowledging our faults and mistakes shows the world that we are confident.

9. Be Positive Attitude

nobody wants to be around a moody, often pissed-off, pessimistic person

BE AROUND THE PERSON AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!

TRY TO SPEAK WITH HER WHEN SHE’S IN A GOOD MOOD. TALK ABOUT COMMON INTERESTS or experience that you share and try to do more of the LISTENING and less of the talking.

IF YOU RESPECT OR ADMIRE HIM FOR STH, MAKE SURE THAT HE KNOWS THIS.

LET HIM DO A SIMPLE FAVOR FOR YOU, but make sure that it’s not out of sense of obligation.

we are drawn to confident people. Show your confidence by being able to laugh at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously.

Make her feel good about herself.

GET ANYONE TO FIND YOU IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE

EMOTION AROUSAL

– adrenaline
Anytime a person is aroused, such as with scary movies, amusement park rides, or even physical exercise, his arousal will in part be attributed to whomever he is with.

WALKING STYLES

GAZING INTO A PERSON’S EYES
look her directly in the eyes when speaking and listening.

THE LAW OF CONTRAST AND ASSOCIATION

We don’t often judge a person by himself, but in contrast with other people. This is intensified when it comes to meeting so for the first time. We see and think of his physical attributes in comparison to those he is with.

Herein lies one of the biggest mistakes we often make. Before so has a chance to know the real you, and to be influenced by these other tactics, your PHYSICAL BEAUTY is the 1st thing you’re judged by. So put the odds in your favor.

DO NOT find yourself in the company of those who are more attracitve than you (of the same seex)/those who are terribly unattractive people, of either SEX, when you want so to become interested in you. – THE LAW OF ASSOCIATION – where we tend to see a group as a whole and not the individuals.

Your best approach is to be by yourself or with an attractive person of the opposite sex.

SELF-ESTEEM AND ATTRACTION

a woman who is introduced to a man will find him more appealing if her self-esteem has been temporarily injured than a woman whose self-esteem has not been impaired.

This law is what is responsible for the good old rebound effect whereby a person finds herself fast into a rel right after one ends, usually with so whom she wouldn’t under ‘normal conditions’ date.

‘slip in under the radar’ – to simply approach her when she is with other more attrative people. we tend to feel less confident about ourselves and our apprearance when … so when the person is feeling less than good about herself, be flirtatious and friendly.

RECIPROCAL LIKING

When we find out that someone we like finds us appealing, it actually awakens romantic feelings within us.

not only we like those who like us, but we’re also more attracted to those people once we learn that they’re attracted to us.. – this is becos am essemtoa; as[ect pf [assopmate fee;omgs is HOPE. if the other person has absolutely no interest in you then you may find attractive but not develop a real and intense attraction and dersire.

Once she already likes you, deepen the attraction by letting her know that you’re attacted to her.

HOW TO MAKE A FANTASTIC FIRST IMPRESSION

SMILE!!!

Engage the primary effect and make that inital moment (first 5 mins or so) the very best and the rest of your conversation will be filtered throught it, thereby creating ahighly favorable impression.

The psychological phenomenton of accessibility and priming can drammatically influence how we are intilally perceived. Lay the unconscious groundwork prior to your meeting.

—
make yourself more valuable by not being so available. Sex? give it freely initially, and little value is placed on it, and on you.

—
DOES HIS STORY CHECK OUT?
Conundrum – simply introduce a piece of evidence and see how she handles it.
She will do the one thing that every liar does when confronted with conundrum – he will hesisteate — deciding how to answer.
– The more detailed he is the more you can beliee in what he’s saying.

GET ANYONE TO SAY WHAT’s he’s really thinking

->Well, now that I think of it.
like -> what would it take for you to love the idea?
do you like my new deck? -> what would it take for you to be really excited about going?
do u like my new deck? how do you think i can make it even better?

** DON”T SAY
What didn’t you like about it? How did she screw up?
***
how would you have done it? what would you have done differently?

to be cont